Single at 28 (And the End of the World)
I love boys. I date a lot of them and I think about them a lot. I find my wandering thoughts to weave back to the ones I’m texting, why they’re not texting me back, doing that horrible game where you wait to see who can last longer because neither of you really care. However, it was never my intention to have an essay that would turn into an analysis of the best things to do when you find yourself in the midst of a pandemic and also single with no end (of either) in sight. You don’t exactly plan for that. The irony would be, too, that I’d found a hot, smart, talented guy the day before I had the choice to either be quarantined in a tiny New York apartment with two girl roommates or go home to live with my parents. I have done the FaceTime dates and it seems as though those are even worse than actual real-life dating (without a cash prize incentive at the end). Naturally, the next step would to be to go over and over the old stories because I am a girl! And also because I think it’s an excellent time to take a long, hard look at myself, to get clear about the things I want, and, I would like to reaffirm that I will not be single for the rest of my life.
*(He’s no longer in the picture, but who knows what could have been?)
If you are in fact single during this pandemic (like myself), and more importantly, do not WANT to be when the world goes back to normal (recent Harvard studies estimate 2022), it’s extremely important while looking at your life and actions, to recognize negative patterns that continue to come up so that you will not repeat them. For example: The last time I saw the last two men I loved, I left a club hysterically crying and that’s a negative pattern of mine. If you want to become a better person and find someone who suits that best version of you, it’s time to get serious with yourself. This not only requires a specific level of self-awareness, but it also requires a special balance in figuring out how exactly to be an independent woman while also figuring out how to allow another human into your life, with all of their flaws, and still accept them, giving them another chance so many times that I guess, eventually, you end up married (?).
In a city of eight million people, there are a lot of people I could potentially date. I’ve narrowed it down to an approximate* 5,000 eligible bachelors that are probably normal in New York, who live in a five mile radius from me, and who I might find attractive. We can narrow this down further, let’s say to 2,500 that might have the ability to talk to a wall like I can, so that I don’t have to carry every single conversation. I surely cannot go on 2,500 dates, though apparently, I’ve been trying. Yes, we’re in a standstill where it doesn’t even make sense to swipe because no one is allowed to go outside of their apartments, but somewhere in that number has to be the answer so that I don’t have to keep dating. I think if we all looked at ourselves, and asked the right questions, we might come out of this pandemic not only ready to do some ratchet shit, but also be better humans.
*It was an educated guess, do not quote these numbers as fact.
First, Second and Third Date Patterns:
First Date Patterns
First impressions are very important. This is the first step into blossoming a relationship, or not.
Here is what happened on the first date with Sean the graphic designer. It was the day Anthony Bourdain died (RIP) and after Sean walked me through the powerpoint he presented that day at his job interview at Vice, he cried about Tony. Right there on a stool at a dive bar in Bushwick. I asked if he needed a minute because I am sweet and because he told me he could see that I am a kind soul and I only want what’s best for people. And I believed him! Because it was true and he told me. Before I took him home (don’t ask) I took him to my bodega and I got a tuna melt. I now get lots of bodega tuna melts and this is a residual effect of Sean. Sean helped me learn the importance of making yourself some boundaries. You do not need to keep seeing a guy because he told you you seem to have a beautiful soul and see the good in people. You do not need someone to tell you that, because you know that.
Second Date Patterns
On the second date, you don’t actually know a person well enough to know if you want a third (which is the scariest of them apparently). Here’s what I learned about second dates: David and I met for a first date at a billiards bar and after each time we sunk a ball, the other would have to ask a question, and the scorer would answer. It was an adorable and clever way to get to know someone (and I thought of it! What a cute, lighthearted and creative girl I am!). Questions ranged from birthday parties to the worst qualities in people and things you’d save from a burning building. We had a great kiss and he asked me twice to do something again before I left for vacation the next week. I thought: rad. I no longer need to keep looking for a mate. I have found him and this is the first date I’ll tell everyone I know and my grandchildren about. It’s not the most interesting but it’s good enough.
The day of our second date, I texted him to confirm our night of ramen and a comedy magic show that I bought tickets for (because I’m an independent and interesting cool girl!). He said: “yes! Meet you at the Ramen place?” I said: “sounds gooood” because I was trying to sound chill. I was obviously excited for this night I planned, it was easy and going according to plan. How rare! Ten minutes later, he told me, actually, I wasn’t a fit. I’m not sure what kind of nonsense mixed messaging went on in that noggin of his, but I requested the money for the tickets I bought for the show on Venmo and we’ve not spoken since. I’ve personally come to realize that ghosting is not worse than having a great date where you are on the top of your game and someone tells you that you’re actually, after further thinking, not a fit. At this point, had he ghosted me, I would have gotten the hint. Now, instead, I will spend the rest of my days trying to make sense of a ten minute span where David was very excited for ramen and dating me, and then changed his mind. What we learned from David is: Sometimes it’s just not about you - it’s about the other person. Don’t take things so personally always.
Third Date Pattern
The Third Date Pattern is a scary one because that’s when you’re supposed to know if you want to invest your time into someone more than the three times you have already. It’s nearly unspoken (except I just told you), but we all know it’s true. Third dates mean business. I’ve been ghosted before third dates, many times, with plans to play mini golf. I’ve had four mini golf date plans. A date’s never gotten far enough so that I can play mini golf with a guy and I’m not sure if I should stop making plans to play mini golf, or if I’ll know that I can marry the guy once we make it to the mini golf date. Unfortunately, none of the examples below will include mini golf.
Our story at hand begins at summer camp in the Berkshires when we were 12 years old. Jordan and I would write letters to each other - I was at an all girls camp, and he was at the all boy’s camp across the lake.
We had met at a social, on the nights where our counselors told us our evening activity was something we’d have to dress silly for - so that we wouldn’t get pretty for the boys. Word always got around, but it was always TOO LATE!
He lived in New York City, and because I grew up there too, I still had good friends in the neighborhood. When we were 13, we met up in front of Famous Famiglia Pizza on 110th Street and Broadway. I was wearing a cute white Hollister top and when we walked down the block and it started to rain, I was mortified because I didn’t want him to think I was the kind of girl who wore white shirts in the rain. Even though I hadn’t, in 7th grade, I told everyone “I definitely kissed a boy once… it was this boy from camp, you don’t know him.”
I liked the way the sun hit orange on the buildings of Centre Street as I walked to a bar to meet him 15 years later. He still had his letters from me at his mom’s place. The date was on a Tuesday and it lasted 24 hours - he was finishing law school, and since I am a freelancer, neither of us had anywhere to be the next day. We went to his place and we danced to Robyn in his studio apartment at 3AM with the windows open. We yelled the lyrics to Red Hot Chili Peppers songs as he played on the keyboard that separated the living room from his bedroom.
The next morning, we walked Riverside Park and sat in the grass eating bagels from the spot I used to go to as a kid. He laid his head in my lap and we talked about growing up and honesty and we played vocabulary games (which is horribly sweet if one of you is a writer and the other a lawyer). He told me that he’d read some of my work and that I was a good writer and that is probably the quickest way for me to fall for anyone. It was an excellent first date. By the third date, he talked about his ex-girlfriend too much. Like, a lot of excuses to work her into conversation. I hope in another ten years or so (I will be married by that point), we’ll find each other again and I’ll get to reread the letters I sent him when I was a kid. Until then, the marker as to why we wouldn’t see each other anymore would be when I blurted out to him - “you know, we don’t have to do this”.
I don’t know what comes after the third date pattern, because I have not had a fourth date that did not result in someone literally flying across the world to see me. More on this later. What I’ve learned from this is: it’s okay to bring up the ex sometimes, but sometimes also, you have to know when too much is too much and someone might be going through some things but you don’t need to fix it for them, and sometimes it’s not your job to.
Real Life Dating Patterns Vs. Online Dating Patterns:
The Real-Life Dating Pattern
This pattern is different from the Dating App Pattern because definitely, you think, this is how you’re supposed to meet someone. The worst date of my entire life was with a guy I met at benefit - and that’s absolutely where you’re supposed to meet someone - at benefits. He didn’t like that I was doing Whole30 (a diet that cleanses your body in a restrictive, yet unscientifically-proven way) which is weird and rude, but I broke the rules to drink because he was uncomfortable. As I swung open the door to my apartment building I thought: ‘I hate this guy.’ But I brought him up, anyway.
I decided, though, that we were not going to have sex. Maybe this was an off night for him and if he was a good boy, he would wait. Other things were still on the table. I laughed as I looked into my own eyes and not at the folds of my naked stomach, in the mirror across from my bed as he left and said, “It’s safe to say we’ll never see each other again, so have a good one.”
In summation, it does not actually matter where you meet a human, because they can be gross on the inside on an app or not. If you have a gut feeling about someone, you should probably listen to your instincts and trust yourself. It’s going to be a lot harder to find ways to laugh about anything when you keep ignoring yourself in the hopes that a guy will turn out to be more than you thought he’d be because of what you think is supposed to, or want to happen.
The Dating App Pattern
I will remind the reader that this is not the avenue I am accepting as a reality of where I will meet my mate, and though every couple of months I declare to my friends: “I’m OFF the apps!!” I definitely will go back on them because it’s much easier and a better use of time to swipe through people, naked in bed while I watch cartoons, than to have my attention scanning a bar or wherever for a potential mate, when my attention should be with the humans I’m physically with. Dating apps are a tool that I think everyone should accept as a natural progression of technology enhancing our lives, but I’m not mentally there yet. Another good thing about apps is that you can talk to a person you don’t even know for a little while as to not waste your precious time IRL. For example: I started talking to this guy on Bumble and the banter was great, but then told me about his (horrible) chest tattoo. And I’m sorry to say that, because he seemed like a nice guy, but the chest tattoo was just too much. You can choose to accept your fate that this might be the only kind of people left out there: the cute guys with horrible tattoos, or believe that there is someone for you out there. Sometimes you can’t have it all, and have to date the guy with the chest tattoo. But I believe you and I are better than that.
Here’s another quick story about stupid dating app dates:
I went on this date, and he took us to TriBeCa Film Festival, which is great because I love that kind of stuff! I think he was on Hinge during the date (which I ignored). I don’t think he was even listening to me when I told him I used to work for Letterman before he retired (which is a pretty big deal). He was surprised at the things I said as if he was surprised that I was cool. I think this is the point of dating, but no one should ever be truly SURPRISED at how cool you are. The thing I really took from this date, though, is that we learned we both collected rocks as kids. I wrote in my journal that I was very excited about him, because apparently, it was enough for me that we both collected rocks to move forward with another date.
There were a lot of fine dates, dates with guys who still follow me on Instagram, which is all well and good because I’ll take those followers, thank you very much. But just because they exist out there and are in your face, it doesn’t mean they’re meant for you. More importantly, you really should know what you want from a guy before you date them en masse. Rocks are not my passion and I don’t think they’ll do much for me moving forward. Same with this guy.
Types of Men I Keep Attracting:
The following patterns are broader explanations of types of humans that I gravitate toward. There surely are meanings behind the broader ‘type’ of human, in addition to the lessons learned, why we continue to see the types of people we do, but as stated previously, patterns are things we are paying attention to in order to not be single, which I am. Acknowledgement of the problem is the first step toward healing.
A. Foreigners
My go-to pattern is the Foreigner. I’ve been in love three times, and I need you to know that because I need to reassure myself that through all of these dates, I can still find love again. And that, also, it is proven that someone can fall in love with me. Two of the three guys I’ve been in love with and have had relationships with have been foreign. Like, foreign foreign. As in, do not live in the same country as I do. These men are interesting and worldly. Perhaps because they come from a different place entirely, but I think they also know things we do not know because straight up, they come from a different place entirely. How unique and interesting they are because of where they were born and it’s not in a hospital outside New Haven where they grew up to have Nantucket yacht weekends in their Nantucket red pants and Sperry boat shoes. They have different outlooks on things such as global warming or the arts or education. They might come from a place that is more laidback and carefree (read: Australia) which balances out a neurotic New Yorker (read: me), or they might be super confident in a way you’ve never met someone with such swagger (read: French), or perhaps they are thoughtful and sarcastic (read: British). Perhaps these people could exist living in New York already. Not for this gal. Dating someone foreign has to do with trying to find ways to be more exciting than ending up with the boat shoe guy. However, you don’t need a guy with a different life and accent to be more exciting. You are exciting just as you are.
B. The Finance Guy
I am a modern day Carrie Bradshaw! I write on my laptop at coffee shops and I have no idea what I’m doing in regards to dating! And I will always be attracted to the finance guy. I live in Bushwick and it is part of my identity. I will say that as loud as I can!!!! Because. Finance guys are apparently confused by those of us who live in Bushwick. It is the only thing I have been able to tell for sure about them. I have been told by multiple Finance guys that they could never live in Bushwick because of the kinds of people who live there. (Hello, I live there, what kind of person am I?) They have told me this in my apartment! On my balcony! But I am also from Connecticut. Can’t I be both Connecticut and Bushwick? Apparently, no. I’m not allowed. I love the stability Finance guys have in regards to making lots of money. But what I’ve learned about the Finance guys is that if you live in Brooklyn, you shouldn’t be actively looking for guys who party in Murray Hill and taste like cocaine. This is a rule I am confident in. Collectively, all dates I have been on with Finance guys can boil down to this set of data: I know that they don’t do their own laundry and they order every meal on Seamless and spend every waking hour and the hours you’re supposed to be sleeping at work. We actually don’t have a lot in common, but I will always be attracted to them. And maybe that guy is for some girls. And maybe there is a kind of guy not for you but he’s for me! I will find a guy that works for me and you can have the Finance guys! Counterargument: I might not be for them! Sometimes you can be attracted to someone for a lot of reasons, but that’s not enough. We can't always be for everyone and vice versa.
C. Musicians and/or self proclaimed “Rock Stars”
A Rock Star is different from a Musician. A ‘Musician’ is very serious about their work and has gold albums framed in their studios and talks about wanting to kiss you but aren’t actually great at it. Rock Stars are fun because they’re carefree and always taste a little like cigarette smoke, which would be gross from everyone else’s mouth - but from a Rock Star’s is sexy and tells a story about late nights and collaborations and dancing fingers on strings. They’re too cool to tell you much about their actual lives but can talk about almost anything. Just because they play the part of the dreamy guy who can serenade you, doesn’t mean they’re actually willing to put their emotions on the line.
D. The Fuckboy (fuckboii)
The Fuckboy is a sneaky guy, because you never learn his true identity until it’s too late. He will tell you all the things you want to hear, the things you imagine for a relationship. He’ll tell you about the friends you’ll meet, the things you’ll plan in the future and perhaps there’s a semblance of a plan to actually take action, but it most likely will not happen. The Fuckboy is also tricky because he can show up anywhere! Under any category! He is an inconsistent variable. The most important thing about a Fuckboy is that he will most likely try to come back once he’s done some damage - to heal what has been hurt, tell you that he deserves a second, third, or fourth chance. As the old adage goes, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. This was not written for the Fuckboy, but it might as well be. Actions speak louder than words. Don’t make excuses for things he’s said. A guy who likes you won’t dick you around. Plain and simple. I am also confident in this revealed pattern.
General Counter Arguments:
I understand that self-awareness is subjective, but I’m going to go ahead and toot my own horn and hope that all of this said above has proven that I truly am self-aware. However, to cover all bases, I’m going to provide some counterarguments just in case I haven’t fully driven the point home.
Am I too picky? No I am not. I have high standards but those standards have been met. That’s all.
Red Flags. This is up to the discretion of the dater. The problem with red flags is that yes, they might exist, but it is up to the dater to take note as the flags wave and to gauge the severity of the surrounding independent variables. Many people do not do this. I have learned over time to recognize them because I have clear cut standards (I think), but sometimes I’m still a human and don’t see all of them.
Reliving narratives and overthinking in regards to unanswered questions:
Resulting from a third date: One time, I wore thigh high boots on a day-date with James walking around Williamsburg. I’m convinced that’s why he ended it. I had been to brunch earlier and, to be honest, I looked cute and I never once complained about my feet hurting. I even got compliments on them. We spent the whole day popping into Polish grocery stores and planned to make dinner some other time, when we didn’t already have reservations somewhere. We got beer and watched the Giants game at a bar, and I told him about how my parents decided to sell my childhood home. We got high and watched Roundhouse after dinner on his couch that faced the window, not the tv. Maybe he ended things because I talked a lot during the movie. I have no answers, but he will forever in history have ended it because either:
a) I wore the wrong shoes or
b) I talked too much during the movie
Please do not introduce questions such as: maybe the conversation wasn’t that great, or he wasn’t actually what I wanted because I didn’t feel comfortable with the shoes I chose the whole date, because those are not the narratives I have chosen. I will never know, and will have to accept this as truth which does not fully support any of the theorized patterns. However, it is still a lesson learned: sometimes you will not understand some things in life, but you have to accept it and let it go.
Dating in your Mid-20’s and Late-20’s, a conclusion:
I’m 28 and I know there’s so much more I still don’t know. Lately, there’s been a lot of crying and ~accessing my feelings~ surrounding love. But through tears, I decided to stop caring so much about the very small details I got hung up on and the pressures and the interview style questioning and have a fun time with dating. Groundbreaking, I know.
As it is important to keep learning from your life and experiences, it is also important to continue taking stock in the things you already know. I know things such as: You cannot force a connection that’s not there. I know that in my mid-20’s I gave everyone the benefit of the doubt and would be happy to go on a second date and provide excuses as to why it wasn’t great the first time. I think that’s my New York talking, but I think I’m on the right track.
I know that falling in love is so! rare!!!!! even if you see it everywhere around you and every song is about love and every TV show is about something, but really, it’s about falling in love! I know that I hold onto all these dates because even if many times they were fleeting, for a few hours, we both thought there could be some sort of future together. Dating sucks if you look at it and think after every date: “welp, here I am, rejected again”. (I did this a lot!!) It’s a lot more fun if you go into it and think: ‘I’m gonna spend some time with a person! Wow. Wouldja look at this human with a life and things they think about! What can I learn from them?’ It took far too long to get that through my thick head because I am perfect. I would like someone equally as perfect to show up now, thank you. But that’s not life.
Between all the dates, rejections and could’ve-been-mores, you have to find the good things in the bad. This is the gold from which I can work with. Each person does, if you choose to pay attention, show you something to make you more, something you didn’t know you needed to know.
It’s possible, I’m aware, that all of this could really be self-awareness to a fault- that I have self-helped myself into a hole where I am so aware of my actions that it’s now working backwards for me. It’s also possible, I’m aware, that I have become so self-aware, that all the work I’ve put in to convincing myself that I won’t be single has actually turned into anxiety, and I’m now working in a cyclical loop that has become a self-fulfilling prophecy that dating will always make me anxious. So, in conclusion, none of the analysis actually matters. I probably put far too much work in just to make myself sit right back down and reel it in. (This is called balance.)
There might be patterns and flags to take note of, but really, all you can do is focus on your life and what you want at this moment. At this moment, I really would like to walk outside and not have a fear that I’m spreading a plague. I would like the economy to go back to normal and not have to camp out at my parent’s place in Connecticut because as a freelancer, I’m basically screwed. I would like to go to a bar if I want to or the gym or to a museum or to the theater. There is a matter of timing in general, but now there’s an added layer of social responsibility which no one can control like it or not. (Not great for those who combat anxiety by planning. Hi, hello.) So I suppose we just wait until this all breezes over because before we know it, life will go back to normal and we’ll all laugh at the time we were forced into our homes at the end of the world while the sun was still shining.
Anyway, I don’t know if I’ll be single forever. I probably will not be because I want to be in a relationship and god dammit, I’ve done it before. Most importantly, at this very moment, if I had had a mate already, I wouldn’t have any stories funny enough to share. I would just have a boyfriend.